Homesteader Blues Read online

  The fricking alarm went off at 5:00 a.m. 'cause the animals need to get fed. Without the kids here, the whole enchilada was in my hands. It takes two hours to get that part of the chores done.

  Around 10:00 a.m. was when the lumber yard should be here to drop off the materials to get the new bathroom built. Oh, did I forget to mention I had to construct the damn thing?

  The job to get accomplished that day was the foundation.

  Foundation is a term that can be interpreted in various ways in rural Alaska. It can mean anything from the real thing, cement poured four feet into the ground all the way around, to some log pilings. The plan on this room was to opt for the middle of the road.

  The room didn’t need to be real big since there's no tub. I figured eight by ten would work fine. If I put tube footers into the ground and went down four feet, I would only need to make six holes for the tubes. I have a cement mixer. At the time that old mixer worked but was beat up so bad, it wasn't funny.

  Well, let me change that statement just a little. It worked right until I needed it. The hole digging went well with the posthole digger. After hooking the business end of the hand truck under the frame like usual, I discovered the fricking wheels on the hand truck were flat.

  Now, that was an easy fix. Powering up the compressor, I filled the things with air. I tugged the ancient mixer out of the barn around to the side of the house and ran the extension cord out the window. Sand and the cement were on their way with everything else on the lumber yard's delivery truck.

  All I needed to know was when were my helpers going to get here. The church up the hill had some youth trip they had scheduled, and the kids had to earn money to fund it. Three local teenagers needed jobs. So they called me on the phone three weeks before the State Fair started. It was Jade who called on behalf of herself and two guys.

  I went to school with Jade's dad. His dad was a survivalist with the notion that if you didn't work you didn't eat, planted in his brain. Arne didn't fall too far from that tree. His mantra was, you can hire or sire labor. Arne subscribed to the "sire" part of that saying 'cause they were free. Hiring Jade to do anything around the place was okay as far as I could see.

  Long about 10:00 a.m. everyone turned up at once. That was all right by me. Jade and the two boys, Phil, and Mark dug right in and got the load off the truck.

  With three fifty-five gallon drums of water in the barn, I figured it was time to get the mixer on and start pouring concrete.

  Oh yeah, the best-laid plans and all that shit. With the sand, gravel and water in the mixer, I hit the switch. Nada. I could have hauled that old thing to the dump and shot it full of holes.

  Jade had a better idea. She dumped the stuff out of the mixer into the wheelbarrow. With a grin, she told me not to worry, she would get the first tube filled while I worked on the mixer.

  She got to work mixing the cement by hand in the wheelbarrow with a shovel while I went to the barn for tools. Taking the belt off the thing, I determined the motor worked, and the barrel was turning. The problem had to be electrical.

  Cutting the wires away from the switch, I went looking for one of the male plugs I had salvaged from a non-working appliance. Within fifteen minutes, the cord had a plug on it. The switch was now history. To stop and start it, we had to unplug the thing.

  As I finished that job, Jade shoveled the last of the cement she had mixed into the industrial strength cardboard tube.

  She placed the plate and leveling screw into the wet cement and grinned at me. "Since we're supposed to keep all this hush, hush, I take it Aunt Tina doesn't know she's getting a bathroom?"

  "You got it, girlie. The family is in Palmer taking in the Fair. I have to get this thing finished before they get back."

  "Tall order Uncle Jim. I think we can pull it off as long as everyone pulls their weight." With that, she looked over at the two boys. There was a slight curl of disdain to her lips. The two boys turned a little pink around the edges.

  Watching that little exchange, I decided I would not want to be either of the two boys. There's nothing like having a blonde, blue-eyed cutie like Jade, looking at you like two stinky piles of dog shit.

  A man would have to be blind not to notice Jade. I've got my hot momma, but I'm not blind either. All the work she did with Arne had that girl with muscles in all the right places. And she had filled out well in the last year and a half. If I were Phil or Mark, I would have been busting ass, trying to change that girl's opinion of me.

  As it was, I was busting ass to keep my hot momma happy. I saved for the project for two years. Every spare penny I could sock away went into an old coffee can in the barn. When I got enough change, I turned it into bills. Small bills got turned into bigger bills.

  I quit smoking and didn't tell Tina for a year so I could keep the money for her bathroom. God knows it's her bathroom. With any luck, she’d share it with the rest of us.

  Going so far as watching some of those home improvement shows, I paid close attention to the colors and styles she liked. The rest of the house was getting a little worn, kids and pets did that, but I was planning on giving her a beautiful oasis in our little piece of God's country.

  We got all the foundation stuff taken care of and moved the rest of the materials into the barn. I knew tile would be cold come winter, so I went for a cork flooring.

  As the bathroom was so small, I splurged on a high-end vanity with a fancy, under-the-counter mounted sink. It would give her storage for all the female stuff she always had to haul down to the laundromat for a paid shower.

  I did not go cheap on the shower stall either. I couldn't do any of the steam stuff what with the water situation. But the enclosure was a nice big one with a bench inside.

  If Tina felt like sitting and letting the water run on her when she was tired, she could. I also made damn sure the seat would support a three hundred pound man if we got a little busy in the shower. I didn't want to worry about breaking anything.

  If you get the idea that keeping my woman happy is one of my primary jobs, you get the message. I got her an e-reader last Christmas. Around the end of January, I had a little look at what the woman read that sometimes kept her up late. Very interesting stuff. I learned a few things from some of those romance novels. That is one reason I rate homemade lemon meringue pie.

  I maybe a backwoods' redneck, but I'm not stupid. If sneaking a peek at what Tina's reading will earn me points 'cause I'm willing to put knowledge into practice, I'm game.

  The footers had to dry overnight, so I handed shovels out to everyone. Skirting all the way around the room was a necessity. That would keep the cold air from infiltrating under the house. But the line to the septic system from the toilet and shower to the tank still needed extra insurance.

  Foam board would do the trick. Before covering the line with strips of foam board, I wrapped the damn thing in heat tape. The tape would be hard-wired into a switch on the outside of the house. If it became necessary to defrost the line, it could be done without having to work at it.

  The last thing we did that evening was cover the entire line with dirt. You would think if you take dirt out of a hole and put a big pipe inside that hole then add foam, you would have plenty of dirt.

  There must be a dirt law that says, nope. I had the boys go out toward the end of the driveway and steal several wheelbarrow loads of dirt from the ditch.

  Jade and I sat back with a beer each while we watched the boys work the hardest they had all day. Each time they dumped the wheelbarrow, Mark and Phil looked at those cold beers with longing. I watched Jade roll up her T-shirt and stretch out on top of the lumber pile we spread a tarp over.

  With the beer gone, the boys were salivating over Jade. I figured I had better lighten the atmosphere. Dumping cold water on her show, I asked how her mom was. Megan was pregnant again. There was a pool going at the bar on just how long Megan would let Arne talk her into trying for that boy.

  Looking up at t
he sky and squinting, I inquired. "That would make number six, right? Your Mom had a sonogram yet?"

  Jade sat up and rolled her shirt down. Great move. That was another reason I wanted the boys around; I did not want to be working all day alone with Jade. Like I said, I'm not stupid. I don't intend to look like I've done something I shouldn't.

  "Nah. Ma said she doesn't want to know anymore. That way no one is disappointed for nine months."

  "Makes sense. So, your Dad will be the one wondering for the next few months."

  "Yeah, and I wouldn't be surprised if this was the last time. Ma's real bitchy these days. A bunch more than all the other times."

  "How about you kinda keep that one under your hat?"

  Jade threw back her head and laughed at me. "Trying to win the pool, are you? They won't let any of the family enter. Tell you what, how about I keep quiet on that one and if we win, you can split the pot with me."

  "You got it girlie. Shake on it?"

  "Sure thing." Jade and I shook on the deal just as the boys dumped the last load of dirt.

  They left, and I headed into the house. A hot shower would have felt great right about then. I settled for a quick wash in the kitchen sink. When looking at the sink, I got to thinking about what it would take to hook that to the septic tank.

  I quashed that thought. Maybe in another year, we could give the kitchen an upgrade. Only when that happened, I would play it smart and let her design the damn thing. The bathroom was okay. But I would not be a dummy and mess with her kitchen without her input from the start.

  Sitting down at the kitchen table with a sandwich and another beer, I grinned at the table. Yeah, let me tell you, a smart guy can learn from those books. The kids had all been off here and there, two Friday's before they left. Surprised the hell out of Tina when I pulled her onto my lap on the couch.

  Instead of heading for the bed when things got heated, I picked her up and plopped that beautiful butt of hers on the table.

  I was grinning like a dumb ass just thinking about dessert on the table. Getting twitchy thinking about where it all went from there, I figured I would be taking care of this on my own, this time.

  When school starts again, those kids will be away almost all day. Tina and I could enjoy a nice hot shower without being rushed by the brats. And the only thing that would run out was the water.

  The heater was a new, on demand thing and we wouldn't run out of hot water. Somehow, I didn't see us going through all five hundred gallons taking one shower.

  I knew she had the e-reader with her so no research tonight. That was okay, I was dog tired and needed to sleep.

  The following day I planned on getting the floor and walls up. With any luck, we would get clear to the rafters.

  Long about 9:00 p.m. just as I was getting ready to konk out, my cell rang, Tina.

  "Hey, how come you haven't called me? Weren't you going to call me tonight? Don't you want to hear what's going on at the Fair?"

  "Nah. I don't care about the Fair right now. You can fill me in when you get home. I meant to call you last night, but all hell broke loose around here yesterday. And I do mean broke."

  "Sorry, Jim. Do you want us to come home and help out?"

  I needed to watch my mouth. If I didn’t perk up, Tina could decide to blow off the Fair and come home. "No, sweet cheeks. It's under control now. When you get home, you’ve got all the vegetables that need to be canned. Enjoy your rest. Don't worry about the hovel."

  "Are you sure? You sound tired. You aren't coming down with something are you?"

  "The only thing I'm even close to coming down with is a major case of blue balls from lack of Tina."

  There was that sweet little giggle on the end of the line. Sure enough, I got twitchy again. The last time I heard that giggle was when my case of five o'clock shadow was tickling Tina's upper thighs.

  "Jimmy, you keep on talking like that, and I'll pack up and be home tomorrow."

  Oops! "What and disappoint the rug rats? We can both suffer through for the sake of the family. Think about how nice it will be when you get home. The little monsters will be at school or on the bus most of the day. Bet you and I could get a nooner now and again.”

  This time, the giggle was a little deeper. I knew what that meant. "See, there are virtues to marrying an old dirt farmer. One who's home all day."

  We talked a little longer until I was sure I repaired the damage my big mouth caused. I curled up into a ball on our bed and went to sleep. The damn bed was too big without her.